I am frustrated. Mostly with the fallen body I have and with how satan makes me think less of myself. I love to work. I'm a busy body, I'm an effective busy body. I love to work and I don't mess around when I do it. I mean I have fun and I laugh but I'm serious about getting what I need to get done, done. I also have been "blessed" with physical limitations, a concussed head which causes stuttering and memory loss, a shoulder diagnosed with scapular dysconesia (however you spell it) which means my muscles are too long for my shoulder and causes lots of problems and pain with my muscles, and now I swell. This week was very hard for me. I was very very very frustrated because I am the kind of person who will go out and work even if it is a blizzard and I have a wind chapped face for the rest of the week, staying home is really hard for me. I wasn't called on my mission to stay home. My family and my ward family aren't sacrificing a lot to have me be here to stay home. And so this week when I was home for three days made me feel terrible about myself. I let Satan get to me and I had thoughts like "oh, I'm not a good missionary, look where I am right now." "Oh, Heavenly Father is probably really disappointed in me for being home right now". Disappointment for me is worse than taking away my books or soccer.
I guess I didn't explain why these thoughts came. I would assume it started Thursday night. I had to take a muscle relaxer because my shoulder pain was giving me a migraine and so I was out for about four hours, the usual for this type. Well then I finally fell asleep again and when I woke up the next morning I was swollen all down my whole right side and in my left hand and foot. I felt like all of my energy was gone and I was really weak. Thankfully I have an amazing companion who loves to help me in any way and sat there with me as I tried to get my body moving. She helped me get some food in my system and then gave me some ibuprofen to take to help with the swelling. Well about an hour later the swelling on my left side had gone away completely and I only had slight swelling on the right side but still had the muscle weakness. I asked sister Fenn if that was normal because my feet had been swelling up for a while due to the heat. She talked with Salt Lake City and they said that I needed to go to an urgent care because it wasn't normal and it wasn't hot enough for people to swell. So now I was a little worried. My mom has a disease that may or may not be genetic, her doctors don't really know a lot about her disease and so they told her to have her kids watch out for the symptoms and swelling and muscle weakness on her right side are symptoms she has. But I hadn't had any random migraines so that was great and so I probably don't have her disease. But on my way to the doctor, I remembered that sometimes she has episodes in her sleep and Wakes up with worse but similar symptoms that I had that morning. I said a prayer and Heavenly Father brought a lot of peace to my heart and mind. I felt good, confident even. So we went to the doctor and I decided that I was going to let them do an evaluation and see if they found anything wrong and if not then I would tell them about my mom. She didn't find anything wrong with me and then gave me a short brain test and said everything seemed normal but then said that she could draw blood and run some blood tests to see if anything weird pops up with my iron level or thyroid. So I said do it. And man do I hate having my blood drawn. I have really little veins and no one can ever find them! So I ended up sticking my hand under the hot water for a while to get the vein in my hand to stick up so she could draw blood. It took forever. But she was really good and the lord strengthened me in my time of need. Man I hate it so much.
So after all of that, I felt like crap but we had service to go do and so we went and helped an recent convert. Oh man I died and used up all my energy! But then we had to go do something at the church. By the end of that I called sister Fenn and asked if I could go home and rest because I was exhausted. She said go for it.
Saturday I felt great in the morning, my muscles were still a little weak but they were way better than the day before. I was excited and did my morning routine and then I hit a wall by the end of our first appointment. The weakness had tuned into pain starting from the top of my head, hitting where my neck hits my right shoulder, al throughout my shoulder, down my arm, ending in the bottom part of my hand, then skipped down to my hip and proceeded all down my right leg. I don't remember what we taught him, all I remember was praying to have Heavenly Father prompt my companion to know that it was time for me to go. She loves missionary work and it makes her happy and when she is teaching she is really into the lesson which in this case was a downfall. The whole lesson I sat there in pain but finally she committed him to baptism and we left. And then we went on splits. She was coming off a day of a panic attack and so I felt terrible keeping her homey thankfully we were able to coordinate with some of the relief society sisters to go on splits for the rest of the day. She was so happy, and it made me happy to see her happy. But then the pain set in after an hour of talking with our relief society president on how she could strengthen her husband and non-believing son, so I went to sleep for a solid four hours.
Sunday was the best morning. I wasn't swollen at all, and my muscles were only a little weak so I felt great and I knew I was going to end my week off with a bang. False. By the time we were done with the first hour of church my body was in pain again. It wasn't as bad as the days before but I think having everyone watching me made me more uncomfortable and more stressed. I ended up rocking myself back and forth ever so slightly to keep the pain down. And then I called the urgent care to get my test results because THEY CALLED MY HOME! And my dad sent me an email asking if I was okay. I wasn't too happy because I told them not to call them. But all is well. And no, I do not have an iron deficiency, I don't Have anything according to them. But it's okay, it's not their fault. They could only run the test and tell me the results. They told me that I needed to go see a primary care doctor so he could see me through it or it the weakness got worse to go to the emergency room. Man, when she said that she made me think I was gonna die! If I could give her something to improve on like we do in companionship inventory I would definitely tell her to calm down the urgency in her voice when she says emergency room. But I said another prayer and Heavenly Father helped me realize that it wasn't her fault and so we ended the call. This is when I had a little bit of a freak out. I think my companion thinks I'm a little crazy but I just want to work, I want to go out and teach the gospel. For once in my life I enjoy doing things like that. But sometimes my body hurts too much to even walk to the corner to back up my companion out of our long driveway. I feel like I am holding her back because I've had a lot of physical issues. Missionary work makes her happy and not feel anxious and when she has to stay home with me because I am on a pain killer laying in bed I know she feels down and it tears me up. I hate staying home and I know she does too. I'm just trying to find the balance between what I want to be doing as a missionary and what I can actually do physically. And it is hard. Never in my life have I had this many problems and I played competitive sports for all my life. I don't know if the lord is telling me I need to slow down and rethink how I do missionary work, or, to be honest, I have no idea what I am supposed to learn. But I have an amazing companion who helped me realize that my purpose is to invite others to come unto Christ even if they are babysitting me in my own apartment while my companion is on splits with someone else. She helps me realize that my desires are in the right spot and that I am a consecrated missionary. I am so thankful for her. She helps me so much.
Through all of this I have learned a lot. I have learned that there is a reason we are called to serve where we are serving and that the people we serve around and with were called to be with us to help us throughout trials we would have. I know Hermana LaBonte has helped me in my trials and I have helped her in hers. I know the Book of Mormon is the word of God and it helps us through our trials. Even if we just read three words it brings a special spirit in our lives. My companion has been reading the Book of Mormon to me while I've be laying down on my bed and it has taken some of my pain away physically. I know this church is true and that Christ is my savior. I know that I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who has a perfect plan for me. While it may be hard now I know that in the end I will live with my father again with my family PARA SIEPMRE! This gospel is what helps me on my mission and in my life. The gospel never fails and I know that I cannot fail as I build my foundation on the rock of Jesus Christ.
I feel a lot better today, I woke up and I feel back to normal! :) so hopefully I stay that way! Love you all!!
Thanks for your support and prayers! These trials will end :)!
Hermana Rebekka A. Kunz
Illinois Chicago West Mission
1319 Butterfield Rd. #522
Downers Grove, Illinois 60515
July 2014 - January 2016